Adventures of Baker Babe

The New Faith

2011-12-28T21:27:00.002-05:00

I am exhausted. November and December, in hindsight, look like the insides of a tornado. Okay okay, that's not fair, November was actually really awesome, but December - December was certainly a tornado. In its mix: husband touring extensively, toddler cutting 8 teeth (which made him forget how to sleep), and a persistent cold that turned into a crazy sinus infection (I'm still coughing).
It is incredibly crucial to pay close attention to your anxieties. Why? Because all that anxious thought will bite you in the ass. If I had a bumper sticker which would have summed up my greatest anxieties of the past year, it would read: ALL ALONE AT HOME WITH NON-SLEEPING TODDLER. So what happened? I ended up all alone at home with a non-sleeping toddler. And here's the thing: it wasn't that bad. In fact, it forced me to finally surrender to all those things which are really out of my control. This is such a breakthrough for a control freak, to realize that there are things I can't control so can just stop trying. It's like a vacation!
I have a tendency to make busy. Plan plan plan, do do do, fix fix fix. I exhaust myself. I am certainly the culprit of my own insanity. My pattern has always been to fit as much as possible into each day, and do this for weeks on end, then take a trip somewhere by myself. I've always believed that in order to feel life at its peak, it has to be crammed full of experience. Then the vacation serves as time to unwind and reflect before heading into the next bout of creative madness. Here's the hitch: having a kid means that I don't take those trips by myself to decompress. So I am faced with two choices: stay on the crazy train without a vacation, or get off the crazy train and find a new way.
What I want to tell you, from the other side, is that what I gain from 5 minutes of open-hearted joyous play with my kid does not compare with a trip by myself to Tulum. Sigh. I think I just lied. Trips to Tulum are amazing, but my kid is even more amazing.
So what to do now that there isn't that chance for the getaway? I make the ordinary moments my salvation. I discovered this one night in the midst of December's madness when I had to drive to Canadian Tire in a rainstorm to pick-up a steam cleaner (long story). I get to Canadian Tire and am bulldozing my way through the aisles looking for lightbulbs, a stepladder, bob skates, all the while getting more worked up and stressed. Then I hit the customer service line-up to order the steam cleaner. It was a Sunday night. Long line-up. I could have lost it completely, but instead I took a breath and realized THAT was my moment to escape, to find some peace, to relax, to take a little vacation in my mind and pray. I prayed for things to calm down, I prayed for some patience, I prayed for Cedar to take up sleeping again. And a moment which could have gone awry went beautifully instead. I think I even listened to Hungry Like the Wolf on the way home at full volume and whipped my hair around a bit.
So take my advice: make life your temple. Make life your vacation. Listen to old Duran Duran. Eat more cookies. Be kind. Practice patience. Eat more cookies. Forgive your parents. Forgive yourself. Welcome a new year with open arms.
Off to bed.
xo BB

(Just Like) Starting Over

2011-09-27T10:35:00.003-04:00

We got a new car last week. It's great except I don't know how to drive it. That's right, 14 years on the road in automatic cars and I've now decided to learn how to drive stick. The timing for this venture couldn't be more perfect; it is most certainly a fitting metaphor for where I'm at with everything these days. Here's an example:
This morning Bri and I had our coffee at home, sat in the living room with the boy, and perused the newspaper. 9:30 encroached and it was time for me to go to work. I took a deep breath and collected myself, for getting to work used to be a simple thing, and now it is a challenge. I have to wrestle with the new beast of manual driving, which brings humiliation, frustration, and makes me feel like a hormonal teenager. Yes, I know this sounds dramatic, but bear with me...
I got in the car, put on some music, and made my way along the regular route. There is construction on Dundas St. so when I arrived at the top of the hill there was back-up. I haven't yet been on a hill, stopped. There was a line-up of cars behind me. The light turned green: I released the brake, released the clutch, pushed the gas. I started rolling backwards. Did the process again. Rolled backwards. Car behind me with nowhere for her to reverse. Cars everywhere. I put the brake on and got out. Then I started waving my arms to the construction workers, and the cop at the top of the street. "Do you guys know how to drive stick?" No one knew how. Traffic was lining up, my heart was racing (yes, dramatic!). I saw my friendly mailman coming up the street and ran to him, "can you drive manual?" He said yes, and then I actually told him that I loved him. He said to keep the emergency brake on, and to gun it. The construction worker kindly said he would hold up traffic for me. So I got back in, waited for the green, and did exactly as he said. It was hilarious - I had a mailman, a construction worker, and the guy who owned the laundromat shouting "you can do it!" as I gunned up the hill. Once I knew I was in the clear and was headed downhill, I noticed the words of the song playing in the car "you're gonna neeeeed to be... patient with me".
I have a new life now. All the rumours about having a kid are true. I am truly learning a whole new way to drive. I don't know how just yet, and I stall all the time, and I get really mad, and it makes me feel so humble and so frustrated to be on such a learning curve with everything. But every day I get up and keep trying. I try to be patient with myself and with my little boy, who is changing so much these days and is also frustrated with the things he can't do yet.
Today I told him that he'll soon be walking, and that he'll soon have words to tell us what he wants, and that it will make things a lot easier. But for now, we're just going to be frustrated and that's okay. Me? I have to learn how to have balance. There is so much stop and go, and I find myself wanting to lurch forward into movement, to get back into work and doing and being busy. But it's too much; I'll burn out if I try to do things the old way. A little bit of clutch, and a little bit of gas - that's what I am learning. Hopefully I'll always have a team of construction workers, mailmen, and policemen to cheer me on...

Crazy Going Slowly Am I

2011-09-21T14:11:00.006-04:00

On Monday I had a playdate with two of my good friends and their two awesome little kids. While the kids drooled on blocks and tried to break out of the gates, we talked about the latest things we were grappling with. I find conversations with moms hilarious; we talk in the craziest circles, grazing over subjects because our brains seem to be newly wired for what I call "snack thinking". We simply don't have the kind of time we used to have, plus babies' attention spans are short, and in order to remain symbiotic I think we start to shorten our spans too. That's why I call it snacking.
What emerged in our conversation was a similar thread that all of us were feeling: stress. Stress over the little things, stress over when, what, how this would get done, that would be finished. Stress over packing a diaper bag, taking a shower, getting a meal made etc... We agreed that they were all small things which didn't matter all that much, but I found it interesting that we had been feeling the same way.
The next day I went to work for my three-hour stint at the bakery. My phone rang, someone texted, I started a spreadsheet, I checked my email, I texted back, I checked the cookies, I went back to the spreadsheet, I forgot to eat - and by the end of that three hours I truly wanted to rip my hair out. I got nothing done. I feel this way a lot of the time and find that it's a real challenge to get focused and accomplish something.
I am writing about it with the intention to bring some order into my somewhat chaotic existence.
My schedule is like a stop and go tornado. Not so different from my soon-to-be-a-toddler...
Here is a list of the things that make me crazy right now:
1) I don't eat properly. It's always lunch that gets missed, and this really affects my blood sugar and mood.
2) I feel like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly with the way I'm always texting, checking email, texting, checking email. I think Apple has kidnapped my brain.
3) My house is cluttered and disorganized.
4) I try to fit too much into one session at work and end up accomplishing very little.
5) Exercise always takes the backseat.
6) I always scramble to find something to wear in the mornings and it makes me feel like a bit of a schlump.
What I desire and crave and would drool over right now is having some kind of a schedule that I can stick to, and that isn't too ambitious. Why do I want this so bad? Why do the other moms I know want this? Why do most people thrive in this sort of condition? Because having just a little bit of control is nice. It makes me feel grounded, and sorted, and like I am taking care of myself.
So here's my list of solutions to get started with in response to the above crazy-makers.
1) Dedicate Sunday to meal planning and food shopping so that I can make a couple soups or stews for the week ahead. I do have a Crock Pot after all.
2) Choose specific times to check email and use phone. This is a hard one, but will help me to relax and focus.
3) De-clutter. Just get it done. Pick one area or one room at a time and move that s**t out!
4) Make a list when I arrive at work of the top 3 things I need to accomplish that day. Check them off as I go.
5) Make time to exercise. Seriously! Even 30 minutes every day.
6) Put my clothes out the night before.

Is this over-ambitious? I just want to find a flow, get into it, and feel as though I have some say in the way I feel day-to-day. Better to be on top of the wave than underneath it with a mouth full of sand.
xo BB
ps - the picture with this post is one I took while on my honeymoon in Big Sur. I want to feel how this photo feels.

Having the New All

2011-09-19T14:37:00.005-04:00

Back before I had the little person in my life, I had concocted an idea of what it would be like to have a kid/be a mom. The concoction fit well with all the other things I had going on. You know, I could take the baby to work, still carry on the way I was carrying on, and everything would be dandy and unchanged - except I'd be blissfully happy all the time.
You know how people say to you that your life changes a lot when you have kids, and they say it in this kind of "you have no idea what you're getting yourself into way"? I used to scoff at those people because I was sure nothing could get in my way. Now I am one of those people, because it is so incredibly true: having a kid changes everything. And why? I'm going to say that it's the biggest emotional and spiritual shift I've ever felt: to be responsible for another human life every second of every day, for many years to come. It changed my relationship to everything.
For months I have felt very split, very conflicted, very unsure of how to do it all. The all being: take care of Cedar, take care of myself, run my business, feed my marriage, make soup, eat soup, pay bills, run errands, and also have a creative outlet. It is my way to think that I can do everything, and essentially, have it all.
But really, what is this all I am attempting to achieve? Where did it come from, and why am I so hard-pressed to live up to its expectation of me?
I made it, folks. I made that all. I made it so long ago that I didn't even realize it was following me around, tapping me on the shoulder, and not cutting me any slack. I've finally spun my heels around and am taking a look at this annoying creature who expects me to be this Superwoman.
I created an identity I could never humanly be. What a ripoff.

Everything I need to learn from life is coming straight from Cedar these days, and he doesn't need me to be a Superwoman. He just needs me to be his mom.
He is the most wise and patient teacher I have ever had, and best of all, he has no idea of his impact. Sure, he screams and whines and does all that baby stuff, but it pales in comparison to his zest for life (he goes down the slide head-first, I kid you not), his unabashed jolliness, and his fascination with the simplest things.
Where is it I feel I have to go, who is it I think I have to be, when the very most important thing of all is looking through the kitchen cabinets with Cedar? It's humbling, especially when the thrillseeker in me wants to get out in the world and scratch something together. It's humbling to realize that the only place I really need to be is on my kitchen floor, strumming a ukelele with dried avocado on my jeans.
The more I acquire, the more I want to shed. All these things amount to nothing when faced with my true self in the eyes of a baby. I mean that, and not in a granola way. This is some powerful stuff. This is what it's all about.
It's messy, it's wonderful, it's maddening, it's mind-numbing and hilarious. It's frustrating and rewarding, and sour and sweet. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. And well, I couldn't even if I wanted to :)

The Balancing Act

2011-08-03T14:22:00.004-04:00

My lovely neighbour, who is a reporter, and who had a baby three months ago, sent me a link for this blog, A Cup of Jo. The writer, Joanna Goddard, interviewed seven moms about how they balance work/baby/life. I dug right in and read them all - twice. Since Joanna neglected to interview me (insert happy face) I decided to answer her questions here on my blog just for the fun of it.

What's your work schedule?
It's only in the last month that I have gone back to work in a more solid way. We've finally carved out a routine that is working for all of us. For now anyway...
So here goes: The Cedar alarm clock goes off at 7. We hang out in bed for a good hour and try to entertain him with lazy toys like diapers - yes, clean - or magazines, or the curtains. Anything to stay horizontal for as long as possible. Then we get up, head downstairs, make smoothies, shower, and head to Mitzi's for coffee. Cedar has a little buddy that we meet there in the mornings. It's the best part of the day.
At 9:30 I put Cedar down for a nap and then head to work. I work from 10-1. Bri is with Cedar during this time, doing fun mysterious boy things. I get home and put him down for his second nap. It's during this time that I either journal, blog, or do some housework. This is when Bri leaves to do his work.
When Cedar wakes up at 3, the world is our oyster... For a couple hours anyway.

How do you handle childcare?
Childcare is currently split between me and Bri. Bri does the 9:30-1:30 shift, and I do 1:30-5:30, then we reconvene for family time. Cedar is our boss.
In the fall, Cedar will start daycare 3 mornings a week, which will allow for longer stretches of time at work.

Where do you work during the day?
I work in my office up at the bakery. It's in a loft/mezzanine space above the staff area. I like working in an open space where I can have contact with my staff (love those ladies...)

What do you like least about your current set-up?
The 3-hour chunks at work don't feel like enough time to really complete a task. The day feels split up in a way that makes my head spin a little bit.

What do you find so-so/tricky/hilariously bad about your current set-up? What would you change if you had a magic wand?
The trickiness comes when trying to do too much. I used to put SO many things into a day, and I don't think it was healthy for me. When I try to operate like I used to, and end up dragging Cedar around in the car too much, it feels really crappy because no one is happy after a day like that. I also find it challenging to fit in the things that make a house a home: cooking, cleaning, beautifying. Food plays such an important role in how a day feels, and this is often neglected.
If I had a magic wand I'd probably break the motor on it from overuse. Not because anything is 'wrong' per se, but because I am kind of addicted to improving things.

How do you and your husband fit your marriage into the balance?
Cedar goes to bed at 7:30, so we have the evenings open for work or hanging out, or doing something that feeds us. We usually end up using this time to get things done, which isn't exactly feeding the marriage aspect of things. We went out for dinner last week for our anniversary and had such an awesome time. Our aim is to do that once a week.

Do you have any time for yourself?
I've carved out Thursday mornings as my time to go to yoga and perhaps even get a massage after. If I don't feed myself these things it is really easy to lose touch. I also use the evenings to do things like write, or read, or veg, but I find I am pretty bagged by the end of the day.

Do you ever wonder how other women manage the juggle? Have you talked to other women about it?
I am obsessed with this topic. And yes, I practically stop other women on the street to find out how they choreograph their days. I know that I've been looking for answers, and hoping that I am doing it 'right' but I don't think there is any right or wrong way. Each family is so different, and we all seem to create it as we go.

What advice would you give to other moms about how to balance work and life?
I don't think things are in these neat compartments of parenthood/life/work - life is life and everything has to be treated as part of one whole or it's easy to fragment and feel disconnected. I want to feel complete and present with all of the elements that make up my life and not jump between personas. I especially notice this since having Cedar and trying to be "a mother" when really I just need to be myself.

Blogging for Bunchland

2011-07-27T14:41:00.003-04:00

This is a great magazine/resource for parents and kids, and I am so happy to be doing some blogging for them. I'll be submitting a new recipe every week as Cedar and I journey into the land of food together... Cravings at Bunchland!

Showing Up

2011-07-15T13:51:00.005-04:00

"Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There's no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won't work. Basically, life has just nailed us.
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape - all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it." - Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

While at work the other day, I opened up an old book in which I kept all my daily lists and brainstorming ideas and things to do etc... It was quite interesting to remember, and see proof of, how I was living my life before baby came.
From the outside looking in, things seemed a bit scattered and definitely overly busy. It was just the night before that I had read the above passage by Pema Chodron. It is only since having Cedar that I can fairly say that I intimately know that moment where I meet my edge and can't stand it, that moment that makes my skin crawl and makes me want to jump out of my seat: it is the moment of not knowing.
Funnily enough, I experience it when Cedar catches me off-guard and I don't have a plan in place. Maybe he wakes up early from a nap, or doesn't like the activity we're doing - I stop dead in my tracks with the thought of "What now?!" Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but it so happens to be my edge, and it's the moment I have avoided at all costs by being a very, very busy person. But now I can't avoid that moment, it's in my face, and it's great. Yes, I said great. Since I have time to swim around in this moment of not knowing, I am getting to know it. I am asking questions of it, like: what the heck am I so afraid of? What is it about not knowing what to do that makes me frantic?
The answer I got today is that not knowing what to do produces incredible fear for me; both fear of failure and fear of success.
So here's what I'm doing in the state of not knowing: I'm showing up. I go to work not knowing what to do and I just start doing stuff. Maybe I'll clean out my desk, maybe I'll answer emails, maybe I'll brainstorm. The point is that I'm showing up. I've also been writing for half an hour every day in my journal, and yes, there is a lot of boring stuff coming out, but so what? I'm showing up.
And then there are the moments with Cedar... I sit with him, he stands up on the garbage pail, or blows zrrrbrrts (Cosby Show term) on my arm, or looks at a leaf, and what can I do but surrender to his absolute Zen-ness?
Point I am making here is that showing up seems to be the most important thing I can do, no matter what comes out of it. The next big thing will come, it always does, and right now I am simply being humble in the practice of asking for it.

By the way, that's a picture of me and Cedar in a 29' foot RV that we took to the desert. Yep, I'm still on the adventure...

The Business of Baby

2011-06-21T14:04:00.004-04:00

I remember, one fine summer day, sitting on a patio or something, and saying something really naive along the lines of, "I think I'm pretty well prepared for a baby considering that I own a business. I mean, owning a business is kind of like having a baby..." Then I probably took a sip of Pinot Grigio and felt really good about myself.
Ha! Okay, reality check: having a baby is NOT JUST LIKE owning your own business. But, to be fair to the comparison, I'm going to tell you some of the ways that owning a business does prepare you for the almighty job of motherhood.

1) Sleep Deprivation
When Shoshanna and I started up New Moon together in 1998 we worked 16 hour days pretty regularly, and would often get home by 3 or 4 in the morning, and maybe catch a few hours of sleep after playing a nice round of Mario Kart (it relaxed us).

I don't need to elaborate much on the sleep thing with a baby. We've all heard the horror stories. And they're true.

2) You're Not in Control
Okay, well, you're kind of in control because you started your own business, but when some jerk breaks into your truck and steals your freshly-iced cakes, or when a random smoldering fire starts in a basket of hot laundry (yeah, that was a weird one), or when your distributor rips you off and you can't pay the rent - well, then you're just really not in control.

The only thing I feel I have any control over with the baby are my reactions. And when I haven't slept, or forgot to eat, or feel kinda bummed that I wear the same clothes all the time and my hair looks like a Robin's nest, then my reactions aren't exactly as graceful as intended.

3) Change is the Only Constant
I'm learning that to succeed in business, you have to build an infrastructure that can hold the constant change. Back-up plans, and extra pairs of hands, and being incredibly resourceful when the s**t hits the fan - these are keys. Because just when things are lollying all lovely along, someone quits, or you lose an account, or the water is shut off for the day. Or - something wonderful and surprising answers your prayers (like big, unexpected cookie orders).

Same goes with baby. Our little guy is changing every day. Teeth, and crawling, and pincer grasping like mad, and making new sounds of approval or disdain, and giving me these huge open-mouthed kisses. I never know who I'll wake up to. At 4am. And 5am.

4) It's a Ton of Work
I think this is why I thought I could hack the baby thing; because I know how to work my butt off. Owning a business is like working three jobs all the time, and always having your attention linked to the wellbeing of your business - often in the middle of the night when ideas and/or stress start racing.

The work of a baby is altogether different. Yes, there is manual labour involved: wiping bums, making food, doing laundry, picking up, carrying, soothing, cleaning up after, lugging carseats and strollers etc... etc... But it's the emotional work that makes it all different. I want to say that it's easy to bust butt because you just love that little thing oh-so-much (which does make a huge difference), but you're still pooped, and while you're changing that diaper or making that food, you're also showering a little being with love and attention. Multi-tasking at its finest.

5) You do it Because You Love it
Now this is true: Over the 13 years that I have owned New Moon, I have done every job that the business required of me. I've been the janitor, the baker, the dishwasher, bookkeeper, packer, driver - all of it. And to be totally honest, even when I was dog-tired, I did those jobs with joy because I knew they were feeding my dream. Honestly.

And now, with rugrat in tow, I am sure I will do even more jobs: mommy, friend, entertainer, chauffeur, personal chef, guidance counsellor, soccer coach (yikes), janitor, dishwasher, all of it. But here's the difference: that will feed his dream, and if his dream can be fed, then I have truly done my work in this world.

xo
BB

Wherever You Go, There You Are

2011-06-08T14:32:00.004-04:00

I've been pretty open and honest about my postpartum experience. I was at Cherry Bomb the other morning, and a mum asked me how I was doing, and I straight up told her I was having a pretty hard time. Her eyes softened and she went on to tell me about her experience, which had been very similar with her first baby. This is why talking about things, and being open about pain, is important; you never know where and from whom you will find some relief. Some days, a five-minute conversation with a stranger can be enough to change my attitude or give me hope.
It's been a long haul so far, and as the feelings of depression and anxiety continue to wax and wane, I simply have to go along for the ride. Some days that ride takes me straight under into the belly of the undertow, and other days I am on top of the wave, coasting along...
I was speaking with a dear friend/mentor the other night who suffered from a major depression when his wife left him and he raised their two kids on his own. He said, "You never really know your humanness until you go through something like that." That hit the right chord in me; suffering really sucks if there's no meaning to it...
I have been trying for months and months to "fix" this problem of depression/anxiety. I cannot tell you how many vitamin bottles and herbal mixtures have graced our counter, or how many massages, reiki appointments, acupuncture treatments, and DEEP conversations I have had - not to mention the regular presence of shamanic healing techniques. Everything can be helpful, sure, and it's so crucial to talk to people and get help, and keep the healing ball rolling, but when one (I guess that's me) is faced with huge personal upheaval, or simply put - pain - it needs to breathe and be alive so it can heal. And the only remedy or balm for this is time, and presence. Yes, being with it, even when it's too much to bear. I wish I could tell you different, I wish I could say that doing lots of running around and keeping busy, and looking for something, ANYTHING, to be a fix - works, but it doesn't. Not in the face of your humanness.
I am reading a beautiful book called, When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. If anything is a fix, it is what she is talking about; being with your pain. Just being with it, listening to your mind think, and being kind to yourself. That's it. So easy, right? Painful thoughts and emotions are one thing, but the reaction to them is really where we get screwed.
Many years ago, one of my best friends lost her partner in a tragic bicycle accident. I wanted to help her, fix her pain - do anything to take it away. I ended up going down to this store on McCaul St called Native Stone Art (now gone...) to speak with the owner, who was learned in native medicines, about buying her some kind of healing animal skin she could use to help soothe her. I told him about what had happened, and how deeply she was grieving. He responded simply with, "sometimes you just have to grieve. There is nothing that is going to take away the pain."
This, I believe, may make things easier. Pain is only a nightmare when we lock it in the closet and hide from it under the bed. I don't think enlightenment is a fancy, supernatural experience - I think it's coming to grips - peacefully - with everything life has to offer, and still hanging on for the ride.
xo BB

Anxiety is an Overpaid Middleman

2011-05-18T13:57:00.002-04:00

You're probably wondering what I mean by that title up there. I tell ya, Folks, the soul-searching just keeps reaping more and tastier fruit.
I had never fully come to grips with my anxiety until after giving birth to Cedar. Sure, I knew I would get anxious and stressed, but it was relatively harmless because it was self-contained and my life still trucked along in a comfortable fashion. When I was anxious/stressed, I would get wound up, frustrated, nit-picky - but for whatever reason, it didn't bother me too much. Then baby came and the anxiety hit a peak that rattled my brain and nerves, and took away my oh-so-beloved sleep. Yes. The baby didn't take away my sleep - the anxiety did. With this critical need in limbo, I was forced to take a good look at the source.
So why do I say that anxiety is a middleman? Because I've come up with this: We have the outer world (let's call it day-to-day reality), and we have the inner world (how we think, feel, process and CREATE our reality). A healthy dynamic between these two worlds would be to exist in uncomplicated actions. Like - hey, it's garbage day tomorrow - and off you go taking out the garbage. But if the middleman steps in, it's more like - shit! it's garbage day tomorrow, I'll put it out in the morning, what if I can't fit all the recycling in? Do I even have those clear bags?
(Sorry - quick analogy. Seemed easy.) What I notice is that I often get anxious instead of taking action, or for things that don't require action, have faith that things will turn out well.
So when does anxiety come knocking the loudest? When I am in the unknown. And for the record, I think we're always in the unknown. Life is completely unpredictable in its finer moments. Here is what I have been asking myself - "Why when I am in the unknown do I imagine a negative outcome?" Anxiety. Things not working out. Catastrophe. Stress. If it's bound to be unknown anyway, then why don't I imagine and intend good things happening? Well that, my friends, is because I've been paying this middleman to help me decide upon how I feel in the world.
I was reading a passage from a book called, Everyday Parenting, and in it the author was talking about developing a meditation practice. He said that meditation practice can happen during any moment of the day (taking out the garbage even!) and it's simply being mindful of our thoughts and not identifying with them. The most genius thing he said was that "we practice anxiety" every day, so why not practice something else?
We go to what we know; I had always known anxiety (passed down through the family brain tree) and hadn't questioned it too much.
I am going to fire the middleman. He's still working for me, but I'm paying him less, and slowly reducing his hours. He doesn't even do a good job - all the things he says aren't going to work out, work out really well! So he's wrong most of the time too.
You know, people often say that when you have kids you lose your freedom. I am going to challenge that by saying this: Cedar is inspiring me to find true freedom - which is found in the mind. Once the middleman has cleaned out his desk and taken his ROE form, I believe I will have found a whole new level of freedom.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T21:34:00.002-04:00

Today is Mother's Day. It's my first year being a mom on this day, and I didn't want to let it slide by without marking it somehow. So here I am - it's 9:44pm. I can hear the "waterfall" of white noise coming from Cedar's room (aka still sort of Bri's music room) where he is fast asleep in his crib, and I am sitting up in bed with the window open.
The thing about Mother's Day is that it applies to all mothers, no matter what "kind" of mother you are. It's not like, "Good Mother's Day", thankfully, because then we'd all be guilt-tripping ourselves. In all seriousness, this issue of being a "good mother" has been on my mind lately (yes, I like to think - so what?!). As liberated and independent as I have felt myself to be, when I became a mom I wanted to be the perfect mom. And strangely enough, the perfect mom is this woman I constructed in my psyche who:
1) Is selfless
2) Can sit for hours at a time with a baby, not feeling even a pinch of boredom because she's so blissed out
3) Bakes a lot (wearing an apron)
4) Can do it all
5) Doesn't get angry or impatient
6) Found her life's calling when she became a mom

Tall order, huh? Who is even like that? And why would I want to be that when that's not who I am? The only answer I have is that becoming a mom is no small feat. I think some women fall into it really naturally, and some of us have to find our way in a world that really wants that perfect mom. So on Mother's Day, I want to say this to Cedar:
Kid. I'm not perfect. And so you know, perfection is entirely overrated. I only learned this when I had you. What really counts in life is being real, and stepping up to the moment with the truth of who you are, right there, right then, and staying present.
I'm not a perfect mom. But I am your mom. I'm independent to the point of severe stubbornness. I like to have my way. I like to get out of the house A LOT, and I promise that you and I will be up to all kinds of great adventures once you're ready (hey, we DID go to Ikea last week...). I will bake for you, cook for you, do your laundry, and when you're old enough, teach you how to do all those things for yourself.
More importantly though, I will protect my self-ness so that I can teach you how important it is to be authentic in this world; to have your voice, your way, your truth. And with that, may you never fall into the trap of trying to be something you're not.
Most importantly, I will always do my best. Whatever that looks like. And I will always be carving deeper paths to an open heart so that I can love you more each day. Kid - this is all good stuff. You'll see. Life is not for the weak at heart.
Happy Mother's Day to all you women out there. And Happy Mother's Day to my mom, who is one of the most authentic, no excuses women I know. She was brave and creative in the face of change and taught me a heck of a lot. Thanks Mom.

And about that baking with an apron on. I never like wearing an apron. I prefer a little teatowel on my shoulder. It's sort of more hardcore than an apron.
xo

I Don't Know

2011-04-27T20:16:00.003-04:00

I don't like not knowing. But whether I like it or not, this is a time of not knowing. I've had (and continue to have) a fair bit of time to think. When all the busy-ness of life stops and one finds themselves sitting for long stretches of time guided by a tiny being who is perfectly happy to chew on a speckled squeaky giraffe, well - let's just say that I've finally come head-to-head with my mind. What a beast, I tell ya... A dear friend of mine put it very well the other day when she said that the journey from maiden to mother is about going within. So what have I found? A restless mind. Oh so restless. Likes to lurch into the future and have a clear picture of what is going to happen, likes to dwell on the past to make sense and meaning of things. Likes to fixate, fix, think, do, keep busy. After operating in this manner for many years, it is a bit of a shock to be in a very new pace with self and life.
Today I went to work and found that beastly mind getting up on its haunches and starting to demand things: "what am I doing with my life? What is the next step for my career? I feel creatively blocked. I want to make great impact, what can I do? What is my true calling?" and on and on it went. Then I went to the good ol' YMCA and sweated just enough to break the hold of the busy mind. After that - an afternoon with my little guy, doing things like looking out the window and rolling around on the floor. It puts things into perspective.
This is not the time to know what's next. It's not the time to be lurching forward or looking back. I could find some solace in this. I think people call this "relaxing". Some people may also call it "having faith". I've pretty much cornered myself into this.
So what do you do when you don't know? What do you do when you're searching for that next piece of inspiration, or piece of the dream, or answer to life's endless search?
I don't know. I honestly have no idea. So here's what I am going to do:
Hang out with my little family.
Hang out with myself.
Chop wood and carry water.
Make prayers.
Unwind this mind.
Relax.
Maybe take a few breaths.
And oh yeah, have faith. And when I say faith, I mean find the deepest place of trust within myself and just let go.
I have a sense that if I can get Miss Busy Mind to relax, the clean-up crew of intuition will finally have some room to kick its legs out.
xo

ps - that's me and Cedar. I know it's not exactly the photo that goes with this theme, or maybe it is. I don't know :)

Rise Up Rise Up

2011-03-26T09:47:00.003-04:00

While sitting in the small waiting area to see my acupuncturist/TCM Doctor, a little girl of about 7 years came out from behind a screen. She was slithering around on the floor, and looking up at me without an ounce of shyness. "What am I?" she asked me.
"A lizard?"
She rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed. "I have paws, but I also have wings to fly."
I felt kind of stumped.
"I look like a lion..." she offered me.
"I really have no idea."
"I'm a griffin!" she finally exclaimed, "a mythical creature!"
She then sat beside me and we went through as many of the mythical creatures we knew of. She knew a lot more than I did. I realized I need to start brushing up on my skills in all departments related to fun learning - I do believe Cedar will want to know about Griffins and such.
The doctor finally called me in, and I said goodbye to the precocious little girl who had reminded me of unicorns and sea serpents, the pegasus, and minotaur. We were, however, by the end of the conversation, stumped over one - one we couldn't remember the name of, but knew it was a bird.
I sat across from the Doctor, and he checked my pulse, and looked in my eyes, and also checked my tongue. "Are you feeling better? Your mood - is it better?"
"Yeah, it is."
"So it's time. Time is what you need. I could have increased your medicines, but really - it's time."
Just then the little girl popped her head in to the office, "The phoenix! That's the one we forgot!"
When she said it, I remembered bumping into a dear friend (and mom) on the street on a day when I was in my shell-shocked state. "Don't worry," she said, "you'll be like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
After the little girl left, my doctor said, "The phoenix is a very sacred mythical animal in China. Represents the Yin, and the dragon represents Yang. The phoenix comes from below and rises above, and the dragon comes down from above."
In that moment, I wanted him to tell me that my pulse was perfect, that I was healed, that I wasn't sitting in the ashes anymore, waiting for resurrection. But instead he stuck the needles in me and I lay in a cubicle for twenty minutes. I tuned in and realized that he was playing Kenny G really loudly. Life seemed kind of absurd in that moment, so I thought about the phoenix. I thought about how I wish I wasn't going through all this postpartum stuff, and could just feel like myself again. Suffering about my suffering. Learning to be patient. Letting the heart heal itself, allowing life to show me the way instead of blasting my path with determination.
Things go up and down. Control is no longer something I salivate over. Instead, I look for truth and humility in the everyday. Maybe when the phoenix rose from the ashes it wasn't a dramatic affair, maybe it was just normal for that kind of magic to occur. And maybe all it took was time.

Welcome Home

2011-03-18T09:35:00.004-04:00

Spring is here. Really, actually here. Sure, we'll have some colder, wetter days until things really start rolling, but I am just thrilled that the sun is shining. Have stroller, will travel.
As the weather settles, and life starts to fizz down into a nice, welcomed normalcy, I figure it's time to share one of many gold nuggets I have found during the deep sea dive into my postpartum psyche.
See folks, I've always been a dreamer. I really thought I could be Olivia Newton-John. I thought I could be Annie. I'm a master fantasizer (sounds like an 80's instrument), and always have been.
And although my husband wouldn't necessarily want to admit it, he's a dreamer just the same.
So there I was, big dreams big dreams - dreams so delicious they were worth thinking about all the time. The operative word there is think.
So then this thing happens - baby comes. And baby, with his earthly needs, brings everything into a whole new place: reality.
At first I was under the impression that I'd have to let everything go - all those golden, sparky dreams I'd acquired - but now I feel that what is actually happening is bigger, better, and more real. I could have sat forever thinking about making a dream become, but now there is no other choice but to refine the meaning of those desires and choose them from a new place, with new energy.
I want to teach my boy how to dream and actualize, and to go for his true heart's desires with the confidence that he has the tools to achieve them - whatever they may be.
But first, it's time for me to take a good look at what my dream really is - in reality. And please don't get me wrong here - although reality can seem like a bummer when you're a consummate dreamer, it's actually the place where things happen.

As Little Orphan Annie would sing, "I think I'm gonna like it heeeere!"
xo bb

The Way To Go

2011-03-13T20:42:00.002-04:00

When I was twenty-seven years old (wow - so weird to look back...) I took a trip to Oaxaca, Mexico by myself. This was my third or fourth trip to Mexico alone, but my first time in Oaxaca. On prior trips, I had always booked things in advance. Although I was bold by traveling alone, I was also fearful of just getting to a place and winging it - it seemed too risky for a woman to do.
However, I decided that for my trip to Oaxaca, I would wing it except for the hotel bookings for my first and last nights. I knew I would head down to the coast, and that was about it.

I arrived in the city of Oaxaca and it was sheer chaos; there was a protest march, and people literally cramming all the avenues. I decided to head to the coast right away and get to the calm of the ocean. After a five-hour insanely windy (as in turning a lot) bus ride down through the mountains (I feel nauseous just remembering it) I arrived in the very hot and wonderful town of Mazunte. I trudged through the sand looking for a place to stay with my way-too-heavy knapsack. It was sweltering and I was trying to make a decision about staying in a hostel or getting my own cabina. I went over to the road and sat on my bag. A beautiful, sparkly young woman approached me and we started talking. She was German, and had been living in Mazunte for over a year. We took to each other instantly... "You come stay with us, yes?" She said with a smile.
She lived in an incredible house up a small hill, overlooking the ocean. It was called Casa De Geni because a mother and daughter (the daughter was Geni) built it together as their dream home. It was one of the most amazing and special places I had ever seen.
I ended up staying at Casa De Geni for the duration of my time in Mexico. It was, and still is, the best adventure I've had, with the most easy, honest, and fast heart connections with strangers. It was probably one of the first times in my life that I hadn't planned something, but just trusted in the magic of what life dishes up when you let go.

So now. Oh dear. Now, more than ever, with a new human being in my care, with the future seemingly mysterious, with the ups and downs of my emotions, and the clutch of anxiety on a daily basis, and the incredible change of life I am in the midst of, now - more than ever - I think is a good time to trust.

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

2011-02-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

When I first started up this blog, I was intending to write about my adventures as an entrepreneur. You know, like, hey - I got this new account, or the cookie machine broke etc... but I've been on this extended mat leave and I must say that the adventures I'm having now seem to be far juicier than a new scone recipe.
So here goes. I'm going to be honest about some things...
In my earlier posts I wrote about the anxiety and insomnia I'd been experiencing. Well, it didn't really let up. In fact, it started to get worse, and I went into some very challenging and scary places with the sleep deprivation. I understand why it is used as a form of torture. This all lead me to finally reach out and get some help. I was hoping it would pass, or thought it was normal, or was just completely out of my mind that I wasn't thinking straight.
So here's the diagnosis: postpartum anxiety/depression. On the assessment checklist, one of the questions is "are you a perfectionist?" That one really struck me. I had some extremely high expectations for what I thought this time would be like, and how I'd be feeling in it. Instead, it seems the opposite has occurred. It's been heartbreaking.
Since I am still a baker, I am going to tell you the recipe for what I experienced:
1) High expectations of motherhood
2) Expectations of an easy baby who just sleeps and smiles and eats (ha ha)
3) Extremely high expectations of myself
4) Wham-bam cocktail of hormones
5) Idea that I could return to work and just be my normal old self
6) Total life change in the blink of an eye
7) Being really hard on myself for all the above things

Motherhood is a tricky one. It is showing me the complete range of human emotion, and my own capacity to hold these emotions without falling apart. On the one hand, being a mom is earth-shattering, and on the other hand, is the most normal and common practice in life. So what's wrong with me? Why am I not strolling around with a goofy grin on my face, drinking a latte?
And why has that become an icon for what motherhood is? And why are women generally secretive about their dark sides?

At this point, I've had many conversations about these postpartum symptoms. I've seen two naturopaths, two GP's, two doctors of Chinese medicine, and one Reiki master. I've also had many conversations with women who experienced similar symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Here's what I know to be true: in the midst of the biggest change in my life - emotionally, spiritually, physiologically, mentally - I cracked open. Nothing was as it was. Everything felt unknown, and that made me shake in my boots. In this cracking open, there is a lot of debris, there is a lot to let go of, and there is A LOT to feel.
And why did I crack? To make space for love. A new love for my new self, and a new, huge, crazy love for a human being named Cedar. I have never felt so vulnerable and unsure. This is the craziest adventure of my life so far. I have no misconceptions now of what motherhood is - it takes you to the edges and far reaches of yourself so that you can hold a space for another human being to thrive and feel safe in. It is a giveaway. An act of pure service. And let's be honest, for some of us this is not so much our natural way... It's a serious learning curve.

The doctor of chinese medicine I am seeing put it so beautifully, 'You've lost your spirit. And your spirit is looking for a way to come back in. You are homesick. Home isn't where you live, it's where you belong.'
Last night I lay in bed and had the overwhelming desire to get home. She must be on her way...

Mrs. Fix-it

2011-01-27T11:08:00.005-05:00

I like to fix things. No wait - I LOVE to fix things. I am addicted to improvement. I find it ultimately satisfying to see something that isn't working well, and to find a solution for it to work better. This is great when running a business; it creates breakthrough moments in which the clouds part and everything fits, and then onward ho to the next stage.
So um, this fixing obsession I have is not the greatest approach with a baby, or on myself. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been experiencing insomnia (for three months now!) and have been trying just about everything to fix it (except the exercise regularly component. Ugh. So tired). Baby has also been waking every 1.5-2hrs each night. Needless to say - no one is getting much sleep around these parts. Can I just say, to all you people who are thinking of having kids in the near future - SLEEP NOW. Sleep for the sleepless!
As I lie awake in bed, I think about these problems, and how to fix them. Fixing is an action that requires doing. Ah, how I love to do. But when it comes to the self, and definitely when it comes to another human being - it's not the best approach. Fixing can be scientific, and methodical, and human nature is not that. Maybe my body needs to experience insomnia right now in order to get my hormones leveled out. Maybe baby is waking every hour because he likes to party all night long. I really don't know. But I do know that I am making myself crazy in trying to FIX.
Outside of just wanting to get some sleep (naturally!), the impetus behind my fixing is to get a grasp of how life is going to work with a baby in tow. How will I go back to work? How will I get my needs met? How will Cedar get his needs met in the midst of all of it? I wish I could draw up a blueprint and follow a plan and know that everything will be smooth and perfect. But it's not so simple. Life is not smooth and perfect. I do know that everything will work out, one way or another - just not by means of planning and fixing and pushing. When I imagine the logistics of it all, I feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Here I am trying to plan out something I have never done before - something that revolves around the most precious thing in my world: Cedar.
Someone once told me that the heart - its feelings, workings, openings, and breakings - are like the eating of a pomegranate. It is messy. Let it be messy. Resign yourself to the juice on your chin. How many of us don't eat pomegranates because they just seem like too much work?
Life is a messy, juicy mystery these days. Almost heartbreakingly so. It doesn't need to be fixed - it just needs to be opened up into its many little seeds and lived - even if it's uncomfortable and messy.
There seems to be only one way to go these days: stop trying. Just stop. Dare I say trust? Have faith? Put intention into the sunshine of the spring and all the new little buds that are lying dormant right now. Nature doesn't worry, or plan, or fix. Nature just keeps on keeping on. Sleepless or not.
xo

Hitting The Wall

2011-01-20T12:04:00.002-05:00

This morning I went to yoga. It feels like a feat to get out of bed these days, let alone go to a yoga class. However, I also know that the two hours a week I go to a class by myself are really, really good for me. As I was on my mat today, I encountered a part of myself that I'm not incredibly fond of, but who usually wins in most situations. Let's call it laziness, procrastination, reluctance - all wrapped up in a tricky little bundle who is incredibly convincing in her plight to keep things easy and safe. Do you have a tricky little bundle in your self-repertoire as well?
I always admire people who go further, who push themselves not out of masochism but the true desire for excellence. I also recognize where I can be very hard on myself, and also where I don't push myself at all. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do - go easy, or push?
I was doing my practice, but then pulled the teacher over to ask him for a stretch to help my incredibly tense shoulders. Next thing I knew there were two chairs lined up against the wall, and me in a crazy shoulder-type stand, with all the blood rushing to my head, afraid to fall. But you know what? It felt really good to be upside down this morning. It felt good to look at the floor from that angle and to leave my comfort zone.
As I was leaving (and about to pick up my coffee - yummm) I thought to myself that my biggest wall is that one - succumbing to the procrastinator who likes to stay safe. I run into her so often, and she seems to usually win.
I often think that in order to stretch my edge I have to sell my business, my house, and pack up the fam and move to the tropics or something. But isn't that just another way of being tricky? Can't excellence be found in every moment (or at least a lot of them) if I just try to do things differently or reach for my personal best?
That's a lot of words just to really be saying this: sometimes you have to be uncomfortable in order to grow or change.

Good Grief

2011-01-16T11:33:00.010-05:00

I don't know how many times I'd heard people say, "once you have kids, your life changes forever." That seems obvious, but one never knows until they go through it just what that may feel like. In my recent posts, I've definitely alluded to a bit of discomfort and shell-shock with new parenthood. I really wanted to be ga-ga-goo-goo all the time, but I'm not so sure that's actually my style...
Two days ago, I was driving up Roncesvalles and happened to see the New Moon van out on delivery. I started to cry. And last week I was looking for something in my closet and found a box of clothes I haven't touched since having Cedar. That made me cry too. These things hint towards something a very dear friend/mentor/wise woman said to me, "you have to acknowledge that you are grieving the loss of your old self."
Ah yes. The maiden. The busy, working-all-the-time gal. The consummate seeker. The go-anywhere, travel all-the-time entrepreneur. The maiden. Who felt incredibly free all the time.
I don't use the word "free" loosely - because we are going to look at that now. What exactly is freedom? I believe it might just be a state of mind.
I find it easy to list off the things I "can't" do anymore - like take off to Mexico by myself and drink watermelon juice on the beach. But I did that already (okay, it's awesome, and I'll do it again when I'm 50).
So here we are - no longer the maiden. No longer the flying-by-seat-of-pants girl. It's time for a new definitition of freedom. Here's one I just found: the power to determine action without restraint.
I don't want to fall into the thought trap of "I can't do anything now that I have a kid" but rather, "life has revolved 180 degrees, how can I align with the movement?"
If I try to go back and do things the way I used to, I'll only feel burnt out and disappointed. And the old things don't feed me anymore. This is a huge list of things: the way I approached my work, the way I ran my business, the things I did for fun, the socializing I did. I miss the old self, but I think the new self will be pretty amazing too. I just don't think she's quite here yet.
The new self needs some time to form, time to hibernate, time to ga-ga-goo-goo all over my house. And then - watch out. Me and Cedar are taking the world by storm.
In the meantime, this is the good grief. Painful, yes. But necessary. Death gives life. Always has.

The photo at the top is me as the maiden. In San Diego. I don't really know how to surf, and in fact - that was my first time trying (and I dislocated my shoulder), but I think I look really cool in the photo. The photo below is the most recent shot of me and the Ceed, taken by fellow Mama and burgeoning photographer, Sara Marlowe.

Mamas can surf too. Probably better. One doesn't push out a ten-pound baby and not find a new will for the edge :)

Is This All There Is?!

2011-01-12T13:54:00.002-05:00

A couple of months before my dad passed away, I remember him calling me one morning to share one of his grand revelations. "So I was just sitting here," he said, "thinking about life...and well - is this all there is?"
"What do you mean, Dad?"
"Like, is this all there is?" He started to chuckle. And I chuckled too. It was a bit of a relief to hear those words from a man who definitely lived a full and interesting life.
Maybe it's getting older, maybe it's having a baby, maybe it's reaching this certain point in life - but I too am wondering about the "this" of life.
There's something about the stillness and innocence of a new life (and sitting for many hours in my living room) that really has me wondering what it's all about, and of course, the busyholic in me is scratching at the walls looking for things to do to occupy my brain to make me feel like I am DOING something. But here's what I think might be the raw truth of life (wow, I sure am getting wise): life is actually quite simple. There's joy, pain, indifference, wonderment, love, loss, grief, happiness - many states of being to run around with. But underneath those states, life is simply life, and it keeps on going no matter how we feel about it.
I find this a bit of a bummer, to be honest. That probably doesn't sound very Zen of me, but I never said I was good with humility. Why a bummer? Because I've always banked on life being a wild rollercoaster FULL of busyness. But I'll tell you something - and this is a confession - underneath all the busyness is a wildly racing mind that seems to be pretty uncomfortable with just being. I am taming a beast over here...
Why am I thinking so much about all this? Because something in me doesn't want to be okay with just biding time anymore, or getting incredibly busy, or worrying about everything, or being complacent about life. My little boy seems to be bringing this out in me; the desire to live life more fully, and to dive into the moment.
So over here in my 12-step program to living life more fully I can tell you that the very first step is to be with yourself. Just be still, doing nothing, for even ten or fifteen minutes, or many hours in a day. See who is there.
I am hoping step 2 is something really good, like - go for a massage. Or better yet - discover what your true dream is.

More ramblings from a cabin-feverish Baker Babe
xo

The Birthing Continues

2011-01-02T21:13:00.003-05:00

I remember one fine summer morning, sitting outside at a local coffee shop, and being interviewed. I was about 8 months pregnant, and was asked how I felt about becoming a mom and also balancing work. I said something along the lines of, "I believe that a baby can make your life bigger, not smaller." Essentially, what I meant was that life expands and you meet it - head-on.
I had some pretty lofty ideas about how I would balance baby and work. I said to myself, "no big deal - you take the baby to work." But then see - I had never had a baby before...
So I took Cedar to work a few times and found myself scrambling to complete some bookkeeping while rocking his carseat so he wouldn't wake up from his nap. It was a bit of a challenge.
I decided to take a bit more time off.

It's been a stressful thing so far - this wondering of HOW I will balance everything. I miss the bakery, I miss working, but am also just getting into the swing of relaxing at home with my little guy (watching movies, going for walks, changing diapers - it's not so bad).
For a few weeks there it seemed impossible in my mind; I worried that the bakery would really suffer. Then I remembered something: many, many people have had babies. Many, many women go back to work. Many women do incredible things with their babies in tow. So if I'm going to expand, shouldn't it be towards the direction of dreaming and doing incredible things that encompass both being a businesswoman and a mama?
Here is the ultimate, true test of myself as an entrepreneur: I can make this anything I want it to be. I steer this ship. This is my dream - what wild and wonderful things can I do that Cedar will also love?
The challenge I face right now is in my own peanut brain. Either I stress - or I expand. Either I tense and worry - or I breathe. Either I envision small grey dreams or big, boisterous, bright ones. Do you dare me?

And now, I sleep...
p.s. that's Cedar in his carseat as I try to balance the books.

The Obsession

2010-12-30T21:06:00.002-05:00

I am writing a confession. Here it is: I have been completely obsessed with sleep. Not my own sleep, but the hypothetical future sleep patterns of my baby. There. I said it. Now bear with me because I promise - this is not going to be like one of those mommy blog posts. This will go somewhere.
If I haven't mentioned this in earlier posts, then I'll restate a fact which many people close to me will nod in agreement with: I am a control freak. This has been good and bad. Good because I started my own business and have been living independently since I was 17. Good because everyone needs to get a bit of their control freak on to really move the ship.
And then it's been bad. Bad because I attempt to control that which cannot be controlled.
Now here is why I am obsessing: I have decided that Cedar's ability to sleep well, and to nap like a good baby, and soothe himself blah blah blah is what will enable me to leave him with others knowing that he'll be okay, and to allow me to return to work when I need to. Do I sound crazy?
I know it's crazy, but I also know there are millions of other moms who obsess about this. I know because I have read those weird mommy forum things on the web about it (the confessions are just rolling now).
I have also read books about sleep, and sleep training, and when to, and why you shouldn't, why you should etc... Today I was getting a coffee and this older couple was admiring Cedar, and they told me they had three boys who were all grown, and I asked them, "So - what did you do for naps?" You know it's bad when you're hitting the streets looking for these answers...

Who knows why the control freak obsesses as she does. I am now reminded of the E-myth book
which I read a while back, and in it he makes a major point about entrepreneurs getting stuck in the role of the technician because they believe that no one else could do a job as well as them. For example, I have mopped many a bakery floor because I though it just wasn't clean enough.
I'm not exactly sure how this relates to motherhood and napping, but the thoughts are somehow linked. It's the bigger picture that counts. It's the bigger picture that requires attention - not the little things that can drag a day into madness.
See - I don't ever want to let him go. He's brand new and so little and I hold him ALL THE TIME, and one day he'll be big, and able to sleep on his own, and off to travel the world, and fall in love, and all that good stuff... So for now I act like a crazed woman.
This too shall pass.
Right?

My New Job

2010-12-29T21:25:00.003-05:00

I always seem to have an excuse for not updating my blog, but this time I really have an excuse: his name is Cedar and he was born at home on October 9th, 2010. He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz! Good thing I had no idea how big the kid was...
He is almost 3 months old, and I am just now starting to feel and see some of the dust settling. I'll be honest - I thought it would be easy. I thought since I've owned a business for 13 years and always been a crazy go-getter who never stops, that a baby would have nothing on me.
I was so so wrong. So wrong in every way. He is everything I needed to set me straight about life, and we have only just begun.
I ran myself into a state of sheer exhaustion - to the point where I developed insomnia (how ironic...) and lost a bunch of weight, and wasn't eating enough, and trying to do too much, and obsessing about Cedar and his naps and diaper rash and whatever I could obsess about. All this because I attempted to approach motherhood the same way I've approached my work.
So here is what I learned: being a mother is not a job. It can't be a job. If it's a job then I'll treat it like work and then I won't enjoy it very much. If it's a job then I will try to control it, which will only backfire and make me crazy in the end. If it's a job then it will be just like everything else in my life that I could have enjoyed but decided to turn into work instead.
What is this obsession with work? Why is it that I only value myself if I'm working, and thus will make everything into a job?
So here's the catch: being a mother may just teach me how to enjoy. How to be in the moment. How to slow down. How to be cool with endless hours of the same things every day (until they change, of course). Being a mother may just teach me how to relax and go with the flow. The thought of it terrifies me a little bit (a lot), but also excites me. It would be nice to have a new approach, because the old one wasn't exactly working for me.

In the meantime, Baker Babe is hanging out with Cedar: he laughed for the first time yesterday.
I think I'll keep him.
xo

Canadian House and Home review

2010-09-30T21:34:00.002-04:00

Ooooh - a taste test between Goldies and Lovebites...who will win?
Read the Canadian House and Home review of New Moon Cookies to find out...
http://www.houseandhome.com/blogs/house-home-daily/-good-taste/healthy-cookies

Blogging for Bunchland

2010-09-29T21:58:00.002-04:00

I was asked to do some recipe blogging for a great site called Bunch Family. Every week I write a post called Cravings, about what I craved and cooked during the funny food times of pregnancy. It's been fun blogging, and of course - eating and cooking. Take a look!

Let Go

2010-09-17T23:07:00.005-04:00

I have a really good excuse for not keeping up with the blog lately: I'm pregnant. So pregnant, in fact, that I am now full-term and could potentially go into labour any day now...
I am in the process of tying up loose ends at work, searching for the right car seat, nesting like mad, and perusing supermarket aisles late at night for the kind of sweets I would normally NEVER eat...
So this is it. I am about to have a baby, become a mother, change. Things are about to change in ways that I can't foresee, and only have a sense of. I know I am about to embark on an incredible journey and I am both excited and nervous.
I've done a lot of reading, observing, listening, and asking about the birth process. I think "how" a woman births says a lot about who she is. And I don't mean what happens in a birth: whether or not she has a c-section, a water birth with dolphins, takes an epidural, or sings through her contractions - I'm talking about the response and approach she has to birth.
After everything I've read, and watched, and listened to, I came up with only one thing that I really have to do: let go. It's very interesting to me that I feel the same way at work these days, as I prepare to step away and pass over a lot of responsibilities.
I've gone on trips before and had to do lots of prep to be able to get away, but there is something very different about how it feels to prepare for this.
New Moon has been my baby for 13 years. I love my business, I love the people I work with, I love the creative upswings and the incredibly challenging downswings. New Moon hasn't prepared me for motherhood. It has made me a mother.
And now I will have a new baby, an actual human living, breathing baby. My relationship with New Moon will never be the same. I know it will only get better, and that things will deepen and get richer and juicier - but I feel a sense of loss right now.
When all my friends were taking long trips to Thailand and Europe, or partying every night, or just doing those things that we equate with freedom and youth - I was baking. Or learning the books. Or staying up all night thinking about where to move that rack, or how much longer to bake that cookie for. And maybe it sounds really boring - but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have loved every second.
Now I have to start looking at my business differently, and approaching it in a new way; much to do with how to have impact and keep things growing without being there every second. This is the mark of a true entrepreneur I think, the gateway into macro-managing. Why? So I can take the step back I need to take in order to be the kind of mother I want to be for my baby.
This is the moment I have been working towards for years, and it feels good to be here.
What's the hardest part? Letting go. Trusting. Not thinking I have to do everything myself in order for it to be done right. Do you have any idea how big of a challenge this is for me?
And yet - this is what I have to do. Let go.

I Want My Job

2010-06-03T22:46:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it's really fun to be interviewed...
Last week, Sean O'Neill, who writes a column for the torontoist site, came by the bakery and we sat and had a great chat. He writes a feature called "I Want Your Job" and it's about different people in the city, doing different jobs, and having a great time doing them.
The thing about a good interview is that it makes you think about what you're doing - not just operate in the daily auto-pilot of the to-do list. Sometimes it's easy to forget why I love my job, or what's unique about how I run my business. I felt all warm and squishy after the interview - but more importantly, had renewed faith that I am on the right track.
Here's the article - I hope you enjoy it!
http://torontoist.com/2010/06/i_want_your_job_eden_hertzog_baker_babe.php

Wake 'N Bake

2010-05-31T16:50:00.007-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had an epiphany while waiting in line for our coffees at our local cafe. The thought was something like, "why the heck are we standing in line here, and spending almost ten bucks a day on coffee?"
So we went out to the mall (I secretly love the mall - but only at night. It relaxes me. I am strange) and picked up a beautiful stainless steel stovetop espresso maker and this really cool milk frother that you can stick on the stove. The timing for this radical shift (wow, is my life really this domestic?) is perfect because summer is here and that means coffee on the roof deck first thing in the morning.
I know it sounds like a small thing, but I'm telling you - it has changed my life; instead of rushing out the door I have been taking time in the mornings to settle into the day, work on some writing, and have a quiet moment alone. As soon as I am relaxed, my creative forces start doing their thing and bam! I want to make something. So I've been (big surprise) baking in the mornings. Today was fresh berry scones. I guess you want the recipe too, huh?

Better-than-Breakfast Spelt Berry Scones

*preheat your oven to 375F
1 1/2 cups organic white spelt flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
3 tbsp milled brown flax seed
1/2 cup quick oats
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp sea salt
** Sift and stir all this stuff into a bowl, then add:
1/3 cup coconut oil (or sunflower oil, or whatever you have...)
1/3 cup pure maple syrup
1/4 cup almond milk
1 tsp vanilla
**stir it again until it becomes a batter, and pulls away from the sides of the bowl
Then throw in half a cup of berries and stir it again.
Grease a baking sheet, or line it with parchment paper. Drop your batter onto the sheet into little, messy scone-y shaped things. Bake for 15 mins, or until golden on top.
Eat them warm, maybe by yourself or with someone you like a lot. Take a moment.

xo BB

Cookie Makeover

2010-04-28T20:41:00.002-04:00

Well, we didn't makeover the cookies (because they are really good as they are) but we did give them a new wardrobe. New packaging! 100% recyclable cardboard boxes that stack well, hold the cookies well, and are super cute.
Let's face it - most of us are suckers for good packaging. If you haven't actually tried a product, wouldn't you say it's the packaging that makes you want to?
We have a loyal fan base of folks who know our cookies and have loved them for years, but I felt it was time to see who else we could persuade into cookie love.
In any case - if you go to your local store and don't see the old stuff - take a look around because the NEW stuff is waiting for you.
And as always, thanks for buying New Moon cookies. They keep a roof over my head.

Push!

2010-03-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

When I started up the business almost 13 years ago (holy crap), I was the holder of a teeny-tiny seed of a vision. At 19 years old, I wasn't seeing the business as a gone-national cookie company or anything. No, I was probably just hoping to get the delivery of cakes to the East End without them getting smushed in the back seat...
As the business grew, my vision grew. I began to see something shiny way off yonder in the distance - and although it was hazy, I envisioned my business becoming something huge. For whatever reason, the vision always had to do with the cookies being sold in California. Since I love California, it probably just meant that once we had grown to reach the California market, well - then we'd made it!

In February we took on our first big contract with the US. There was much screaming and jumping up and down in the bakery, and then we got serious about the many thousands of cookies we would have to make...
And OF COURSE - chaos hit! Our new packaging was delayed, the wrong flour was delivered, and then - worst of all - our cookie depositor broke down. Yes, Baker Babe was even brought to tears. Nothing was going to stop us from getting that first order out, but it sure felt like everything was trying!
The bakers and I (and the husband pitched in too) hunkered down and hand-scooped almost 35,000 cookies. During breaks we soaked our hands in warm sea salt baths, and shook our heads at the madness of it.

People often compare a business to having a baby, and I would add to that by saying that a business is like having many babies. Just when you think the kid's grown up, you're in labour again, pushing out the next one. A business is about constant re-birth and expansion - and from what I know, it's not exactly a walk in the park, but it's always worth it.

We got the order done, we worked our butts off, and a piece of that beautiful vision was actualized. As crazy as it was, I wouldn't have changed a thing. The chaos brought our team together, showed the integrity of the company, and was a pretty great story to tell.

Healthy New Year!

2010-01-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

Hey People!

It's 2010 and that means we just had a New Year thing happen, which means (if you're like me) you're probably thinking about resolutions and all that. I find New Year's resolutions a bit hokey because they never seem to work. We all start strong in January and then by February we are back into eating full bags of cookies in one sitting. I say 'we' in order to alleviate my guilt. I'll start referring to myself now, okay?

I've come to understand that the thing about making a positive change in my life is that it has to become part of my everyday routine in order to stick. And even then, it's hard not to fall off the wagon when life gets busy or chaotic.

My diet seems to be the thing that suffers most when life gets busy. And you know, since I am a Baker Babe and all - life WILL get busy (I kind of like it that way). So here we have two topics: New Year's resolutions and poor diet. By poor diet I mean - eating on the go, take-out, skipping meals, eating cookies instead of lunch (hey! it's all we have at the bakery!) etc...

So I've decided to conduct an experiment and a challenge for myself (and the husband, I might add) which is that I am going to cook all of my meals at home for one month straight (with the exception of three days in January because I'll be away - thought I would just share that with you.) I can eat home-cooked meals at friends' houses, and I can grab a coffee to go - but that's it.

Because, let's face it, when I eat at home I am much healthier, I feel more balanced, and I've also saved a whack of cash. It requires planning. And organization. And people - I LOVE to cook, so let's not forget that inspiration is a requirement to making anything good actually happen.

Today was day one. New Year's Day - hilarious because everything was closed and we had no groceries in the house. Our first at-home meal was prepared by the Husband. Breakfast for dinner. A great way to start the year.

Scrambled eggs with sundried tomatoes and shitake mushrooms. Asparagus with grated parmesan. A couple of mixed greens tossed on the side.

Safe Snack Guide

2009-09-08T11:31:00.000-04:00

All kinds of yummy treats that are safe for various food allergies. Take a look!

The Ginger Twins

2009-09-01T15:01:00.000-04:00

Once in awhile I am graced with a magic moment. This picture is testament to that.
The other day I was doing my grocery shopping at my local fruit market, and I saw these twins on my way in. Just one glance and I thought, I recognize those cookies they're eating...
So, like the nerd that I am, I stopped the lovely parents and told them who I was and said, "I wish I could have a picture of them!"
Thankfully, Dad had an iphone and was able to snap this shot and email it over to me.
So there's Shepard and Georgia, a little too cute for words, eating New Moon Ginger Snappers.
Their mom told me that when she was pregnant she lived off the ginger cookies because they didn't make her nauseous. Good to know...

Thanks Shepard, Georgia, and Mom and Dad! You made my day.

Baker Babe Gets Hitched!

2009-09-01T14:50:00.000-04:00

You'll have to indulge me for a moment here...
I haven't posted anything to this blog in months! And I have the perfect excuse: I got married!
Yes, it was a perfect day (thunderstorms and all) but wow - holy work! I may go into an event planning business on the side since I am now a pro at it.
The lucky man (ha ha) is Brian MacMillan, and the even luckier woman is me.
I'm not sure how this even ties into New Moon, or business, or whatever I am supposed to be blogging about. But if you've been reading any of the other stuff I've written, you'll know that my whole deal is about living life! So let's put business aside for a second and look at that happy couple.

xo bb

Cookie Drive!

2009-06-04T22:42:00.000-04:00

Ha ha! Check it out! Cookies are comin' your way. Check Brian's myspace page for tour dates and go to hear some GREAT music, and eat cookies. Come on now... does it get any better?

Nice Article!

2009-05-27T09:49:00.000-04:00

I love it when people write about us. Makes me go, "Ahhh..."

Work Soft

2009-05-15T14:20:00.001-04:00

Yes, I have a new philosophy - it only took me about twelve years to figure it out. Work soft is what I am naming it and trust me, you will all want to adopt it as your own.
In my family, if you're not working hard then you are basically wasting your life. The "working hard" approach is not exclusive to my job, it spans across everything I "do" in my life. I hold a belief that if something doesn't take an excruciating amount of energy then it doesn't hold weight.
In other words, it has to hurt in order to have worth.
Let's flip the whole idea around then - what if work could be pleasurable?
What if I do things in my life not because I HAVE to, but because I can or choose to.
My work soft philosophy recently bloomed while I was in Vancouver. I was bustling around the city feeling all stressed out and rushed. I had to stop myself and take a breath. I realized that life is supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be enjoyed. How I live is up to me. Intriguing, eh?
So this is my new challenge; I am changing my approach. Let's see if taking things in stride, enjoying the moment, and not worrying about the future actually does work...
As always, I will keep you posted.

xo baker babe

Cookies on The Coast

2009-04-28T10:43:00.000-04:00

Big dreams have come true folks!! I am more than proud to say that New Moon cookies are now available in Vancouver at Whole Foods Market. The two locations that are carrying them are: the new Cambie St. location at 510 West 8th Avenue, and the West Vancouver location at 925 Main St.

I will be sampling cookies all week:

Tuesday in West Van: 1pm-5pm

Wednesday on Cambie: 11am-3pm

Thursday on Cambie: 4pm-8pm

Friday in West Van: 11am-3pm

So come on by and eat some cookies and meet Baker Babe, ha ha!

ps - those are mountains behind the cookies...

There's a New Mack in Town!

2009-04-23T20:21:00.001-04:00

New cookie! New cookie! New cookie!

That's right people. I said NEW COOKIE! We have outdone ourselves this time by creating a gluten-free double-chocolate coconut number named Mackie. We tested this recipe for almost a year and are proud to finally see it out and about, happy in its cute little bag. I gotta say, I love these cookies. Mmmm Mackie...

Now get out there and get yourself some. While they're hot of course.

A Girl and Her Bagels

2009-04-04T18:54:00.000-04:00

I've been secretly (shhhh) reading Gwyneth Paltrow's blog. It's called goop and on it she posts all kinds of things for the modern girl to do. Like - spend thousands of dollars a night at the Ritz Carlton or buy a pair of Louboutins or go on a detox. I tried the detox - it was good :)

I can dream about her life, I guess, or I can live my own. How many cookies would I have to sell to spend a night at the Ritz Carlton in Paris? Many thousands...

But you know, reading her blog got me kind of inspired to start changing up my blogging. I LOVE traveling and dining out and doing cool things. Plus, I am extremely picky (don't you know that 'Baker Babe Approved' means: EVEN Eden likes it) so I figure my opinion is worth something.

So here it is - entry number one: A Girl and Her Bagels, or Eden's Business Trips to Montreal

I love Montreal. Love it love it love it. I used to dislike it strongly but that was when my ex lived there. Now it is my town. I had this dream for years to sell the cookies in Montreal but was so afraid of the language barrier and the french labelling guidelines that I put it off. Last August I decided to just go for it, french or no french.

Since then I have opened a dozen accounts through the city - with the most lovely retailers - and I have gone to visit and to my sales work there a few times since.

When I travel I am all about finding the best and making a city a ritual for myself.

Here is a slice of life in Montreal for Baker Babe.

I've stayed in a few B&B's, but just recently found my favorite! Casa Bianca, which is right across from the mountain and close to everything. Coffee at Cafe Sociale or Olympico in the Mile End district. If you are a soup lover like me and find soup the perfect lunch then you MUST go to Soup Soupe. Do some shopping on St. Denis and be sure to treat yourself at Bella Pella. If you're looking for a bigger treat go to M0851 for amazing montreal-made goods.

Dinner at Maiko, the Continental, or Chez L'Epicier (my new fave), polished off with a long walk to burn off the calories.

Then just do your people watching. Montreal is the secret affair of anyone from Toronto. It's dirtier, grittier, more romantic, and chock full of incredible desserts. Please don't forget to eat chocolate eclairs. It's a must.

xo BB

Cookies on the Mountain

2009-03-16T11:59:00.001-04:00

Have I told you lately that I love my job? Well - here it is: I LOVE my job.
If you had asked me ten years ago what my dream job is I would have told you that it was to be able to travel with my work. So that is now what I get to do. Woo Hoo!!
Last week I went to BC to wear my salesgirl cap and pitch the cookies to some stores out there.
It was a blast; driving around in a rental car with a broken GPS, getting to know the streets of Vancouver, and taking the cookies on a road trip.
I don't want to leak the good news just yet - but let's just say that all you hopeful Vancouver-ites who have emailed asking for cookies - well, you are soon to be in luck.

Ruthless Compassion is the Name of the Game

2009-03-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

Out of all the myriad tasks that being a boss entails - the hardest and most uncomfortable, the most dreaded - is having to let someone go.
We have a staff of 7 people - so as you can imagine, it's pretty intimate. When someone becomes part of the team, they become PART of the team. We're a community.
I operate my business from two very strong archetypes - the mother and the hunter.
In my true nature, I am both nurturing and ruthless. If that sounds like a paradox - believe me, it is. I am often at odds with myself - to be in business, I have to be willing to be ruthless and determinate, I have to make the decisions that are best for the growth and integrity of the business. Sometimes this means doing things that others find "cold". That's just the way the cookie crumbles. And sometimes I hesitate on making decisions because the mother in me knows that someone's feelings will be hurt.
Every time I have made the choice to let someone go - I have ruminated and stressed for days over it; I defend them in my mind, I doubt my decision, I think I am being unreasonable etc... In truth - I don't want to be "unliked", I don't want to be the bearer of bad news and put someone out of work.
But as my consultant once said to me - "People ask to be fired, whether they know it or not".
In most cases this is true. I think that sometimes people grow unhappy in their jobs and don't even realize it. In my experience, when someone is unhappy in their job their work performance goes down the toilet (obviously).

What am I saying here? Perhaps I am defending myself. Perhaps I am clearing out my conscience. Really I think I am stating what feels like a challenge: building a business from these two very strong roles in myself - being the nurturing, caring "mother" and also being the ruthless "hunter" who will do whatever it takes to manifest her dream.
In the end - balance is what always seems to rule, finding the happy medium, being "both".
I aim to be fair, and not to make irrational decisions. But I tell ya - some nights I lie awake in bed with my stomach in knots over the things I know I have to do.

Gone to Market

2009-02-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

I heard someone once say that it's wise not to pass off a job until you know how to do it yourself. This is the way it seems to go for the Entrepreneur.

I started as a baker, and boy, did I bake. Simultaneously I delivered, book-kept, was an expert dishwasher, salesgirl, you name it - I did it.

Having done all the jobs, I knew better how to train other people to do them, and this has always been empowering for New Moon.

In essence, I've had to create all the roles in the business by "living" them myself.

Now I am on to a whole new game - a job that feels so unknown to me. I am now Head of Marketing.

Marketing? Where do I even begin? It feels like the most massive undertaking, and yet it has been happening since Day 1. New Moon has always had a face, a reputation, a relationship with the world. But now I am in a position to take it to the next level - to get to the core of what we are really about and what we want to achieve - then deliver it to the public.

Believe me, it is proving to be quite an amazing experience so far because I am taking a good look at New Moon from the outside. In some ways, the marketing tools I've been using are limiting what our next stretches could be. And in other ways it is these exact tools which have brought New Moon to where it is.

Which do I expand on and which do I let go of? And which ones will I cultivate?

How do I let the "world" know that we make the best cookies, and that we are also a really awesome business?

How do I incorporate my "beliefs" into a box of cookies?

In other words, New Moon is now a teenager. Almost 12 years old, and you know how teenagers are - they want to make friends, experience the world, become "their own person".

I think it's a pretty cool time in the course of a business - I'm excited to put my creative juices into it and see what comes out.

And to tie this all back to the start - I think the fact that I scrubbed pans for years makes me an educated "Marketer" because I know the guts of my business.

Maybe I'll hold a pan-scrubbing contest - free cookies for a year to the best dishwasher.

New Moon Kitchen Bares It All

2009-01-22T21:35:00.000-05:00

I am dedicating this post to those of you (us) out there who seek to learn about a company by "googling" it. Maybe you are coming up to this post right here because you googled "new moon kitchen" and here we are!!

And maybe you scrolled through the pages on your screen and found some terrible things posted about us...

I want to set the record straight! And if you have no idea what I am talking about then welcome to storytime on my blog, this week's story is called "How some people are out to get you for no good reason".

Back in September or October one of my staff sent some cookies to a blogger in Oakland, CA. She writes a blog about vegetarianism and food etc...

She got our cookies - sent an email asking "what is in the chocolate chips you use?"

we wrote her back with the ingredients of the chips: sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate liquor, soy lecithin, vanillin.

Next thing we know she posted a blog saying that we use "petrochemicals and charred animal bones" in our cookies...

NOW HOLD UP - you can only imagine my SHOCK and horror to be reading this stuff about my beloved little cookies. So I write back to her and give her the facts about the chips we use, that they are made by one of the very best chocolate manufacturers in the world, Barry Callebaut, and that the chips do not contain any petrochemicals or charred bones.

Funny thing was, even after we sent the info to her she wouldn't post it on her blog, she was deleting our feedback comments.

Then we got a call from Treehugger which is an online site devoted to ethical and green living.

They got a "tip" about this person's blog and wanted to hear the story from our side.

I was interviewed by treehugger and they wrote this great, non-biased article about the whole thing.

I was infuriated by it all - if it hadn't happened to me I would think it great fodder for discussions about the power of the "information age" but how information can be spread without facts. I even checked about getting the information taken off the web (because it is false - as you will see if you read through the associated links) but google won't take info off unless they receive a court order to do so.

After all is said and done, let me explain what caused the blogger's little tantrum.

We make 11 products. 4 of our products contain chocolate chips. The ingredient labelling on our packaging says "semi-sweet chocolate chips (dairy-free)". At the time when we had our packaging designed, it was not a requirement to list the ingredients of ingredients for a chocolate chip.

The chips we use are kosher parve, nut-free, and vegan. The sugar in them was not processed with the use of animal bones for bleaching the sugar. There is no petrochemical in the vanillin.

AND we have since switched to a different Barry Callebaut chip that uses pure vanilla.

Some of you may not care about any of this, and some of you may - that's why I'm posting this; to clear up any confusion, and to clear our name.

Now what did I learn from all of this? What little nugget of knowledge can I share...

That revenge is a low level of energy exchange and does nothing to make any kind of change in the world. So instead of "fighting" back I decided to keep on making cookies, running my company well, and just plain got over it.

Or let's say it another way - if you have a choice to feed the negative or the positive - which one do you go for? Which one do you want to see grow?

If any of you readers or consumers have any questions about all this- please do let me know!

xo Eden

New Moon Kitchen makes a TRUE cookie

2009-01-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

So this thing happens when one googles "new moon kitchen". Maybe some of you reading this post right now happened to do just that and were lead here to this page. Or - maybe you were lead to a different blog... a blog that decided to tear us apart - EVEN AFTER we disproved everything the blogger accused us of. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then don't worry - but if you've followed any of the story then you'll know what I'm referring to.

So here's the thing - I've got this person who - for whatever reason - wants to rain on my parade in a big way, who wants to spread false information about my company on the web - and continues to do so even after we had treehugger interview us, even after we had a meeting with the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, even after we wrote to the blogger - kindly - with information from our suppliers that proved there was nothing "hiding" in our cookies.

I can't seem to shake this vengeful person off my web trail.

So what should Baker Babe do? Get mad? Get even?

sink to the low level of the blogger?

Obviously I'm mad that there is false information floating around on the web -

stars stars stars!!!

2008-12-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks Globe and Mail!

Awesome little article...

Money For Nothing

2008-12-02T10:04:00.000-05:00

In business, there is always the drive to "make more money". Money can easily be the thing that shows success or failure, that gives the business a measure. It is easy to want more money, but what do I want it for?

I've been buzzing around in my mind wondering what to do next to make more $ - especially with the reality of the economy right now. Thinking about different ways to get cookies to the people, and to keep New Moon healthy and happy. My mind is a non-stop machine and I've been thinking around the clock; brainstorming myriad ways to market and sell the cookies.
Sometimes this can feel manic - sometimes it's not time to "sell" but time to dream, imagine, create.
Yesterday I took a really hard Yoga Class - I thought my hips were going to snap or something, and while in the resting at the end of class, with my eyes closed in the dark - I realized this: Money has to have a clear purpose in order to be acquired. Money is energy - and energy is not static.
In my wanting for more - I simply wanted more - but it was directionless. I can say "I want more money to be more successful, or to show more revenue" - but what the heck does that mean anyway??
Ever notice when you need money to "pay the rent" or "take a trip to mexico" or "buy the blue coat with buttons" it seems to come?
That's because an intent was stated of what is desired! Intent is an arrow that needs to be cast into the future, to give the present some context.

The clarity in that moment nearly bowled me over... I have to be clear of what I want money for, and the acquisition has to have a purpose - and better yet, if that purpose is something that creates goodness and balance - then whoa, that is ideal.

I want to move the bakery to a new home. New Moon needs a new space. We're outgrowing what we have and our current space does not reflect our maturity and evolution as a company.
So ya see - it's not actually money I want - it's change (I don't mean nickles and dimes, people). Money just happens to be the currency.

Hear that, Universe??

Is There a Better Gift than Cookies?

2008-11-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

Well, this year I FINALLY decided to do what other companies do: capitalize off of the Holidays...
(not really - you know Baker Babe is not a capitalist).
In actual fact - I decided to create a product that is the anti-thesis of the typical xmas gift.
I don't know about you - but I feel grossed out by how much waste is created in one single month of the year. Wrapping paper alone is enough to make any environmentalist balk.
So here at New Moon we are offering a gift that leaves no trace. That's right... eat the cookies and compost the container.
Guilt-free on so many levels - and since it's the New Year and all, we need to have as little guilt as possible riding on our coattails.

For those of you who are new to my posts - I will let you in on a little secret: I love creative projects! So these STARS cookies have been fun all-around.
First off - after I got the idea, I asked my baking team (the AMAZING Courtney & Helen duo) to do the R&D on the product. So they got busy baking and testing.
Then the lovely Toni at the order desk was offered a commission on every case she sells.
AND THEN - I decided that we would donate a portion of the profits (10%) to a local neighbourhood charity (the Stop Community Food Centre).

Not to be a total cornball - but this is actually a gift that gives. I think it's so cool that at this point in the game I can do stuff like this with the company, that it's not just about "making money" to get by or pay the rent, but about involving the team, being creative, and giving back to our community.

Did I mention that these are really yummy cookies too?? cute little chocolate and vanilla stars - spelt, dairy-free - you know the drill.
YUM.

Now go get some.

Signed,
Capitalist Extraordinare
xo

The Irony of Freedom

2008-11-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

I have worked my b-tt off for years and years. And not just my b-tt; my mind, my heart, my awareness - everything has been working overtime for New Moon Kitchen.

And I always said - "I want to build up the business so I can be an artist". And now here I am - with of course, always growth to be had, but with the freedom to truly design it the way I want to.

For years I was a technician in my business - baker/bookkeeper/delivery girl/manager/sales rep/quality control/head of marketing. I did all jobs, all the time. While my friends were in university or travelling, I was building the business, hoping that my investment would one day make sense. And it has - but here I am, sitting atop an actualized goal and I don't know what the heck to do with myself!!!!

There is a beautiful story in the book called "the book of embraces" (Eduardo Galeano) about a hamster who had been in its cage all its life, and one day the cage was opened, but the hamster stayed in the cage trembling with the "fear of freedom".

I wonder now if the idea of "being free" (and what is that anyway?!) was what drove me all those years to bust a--. There has never been a moment where I wanted to give up on the business, even when I was down to the last drop of energy and something had broken and some baker had quit and I just couldn't do anymore. I knew I was doing it for something special, and I never resented the business.

It makes sense now - as I look around at the amazing staff that I have, at the awesome products we make every day, the harmony that is inherent to New Moon. It's a beautiful, successful business!!

So now what??

Now - oh now - I'm still wearing lots of hats - but they are a different kind. In fact, I'm wearing hats I've never worn before; singer, writer, entrepreneur. These hats make me nervous - I don't "know" what to do next. Does anyone have any idea what it's like for a Type A person to "not know"?!

To be honest - I think the business is offering me some time to figure it out, to maybe even acknowledge what I have achieved, maybe rest this wild mind of mine...

Not sure yet. On the edge of my seat though.... will keep you posted.

I Baked my First CD

2008-09-18T17:24:00.000-04:00

6 years ago a really huge thing happened in my life. It felt like a crossroads and looking back now, it most certainly was.

My best friend and business partner, Susanna, decided to leave the biz and go back to school. I was 25 years old and suddenly faced with a huge decision to make; 'Do I want to run this business by myself? Do I want to make business my career?'.

I was in panic mode all day - I googled other Cookie Business Owners and looked at their pictures saying to myself "But that's not me! I don't want to be that". My stomach was all knotted up.

That evening I had to pick my friend up from the airport, my dad and I drove together. He listened patiently to all my woes and fears and concerns.

"But dad! you know I've always wanted to be a writer and a singer, I don't want to get trapped in business!!"

He calmly replied "you would be foolish to sell your business. It is successful, and it supports you. The key is to make your business a vehicle for you to be able to do what you want to do. Would you rather be a starving artist?"

Well. I am so pleased to announce the launch of my first album: Come Fall.

Recorded in part at New Moon Kitchen, 2 1/2 years in production, with New Moon's support all the way.

We're celebrating with a huge CD release party at the Gladstone Hotel on Sept 30.

Dad - you would be proud.

xo bb
www.myspace.com/edenhertzog

New Moon Cookies Under Fire

2008-09-15T08:23:00.001-04:00

hello all
I am writing this post in case anyone came across a certain slanderous blog entry about us that has been circulating the internet.
If you'd like to see the whole story, there was a follow-up article from TreeHugger which tells both sides of what went down in the Cookie War. You be the judge.
http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/09/cookies-vanilla-vanillin-refined-sugar.php

And just so Baker Babe here can make this clear:
Our product is 100% animal-product free
The refined sugar in the chocolate chips we use is not processed with animal char
the vanilla in the chocolate chips does not contain a petrochemical
And we do not hide ingredients from our customers

We have found a chip that uses pure vanilla - and we will be switching over.

It has been a very disappointing experience dealing with this Bad Press - but it has also been a great learning.
Do you know that feeling when someone says something untrue about you - and you have to defend yourself - and it's frustrating because you know you've done nothing wrong?
Well - that was what went down with this. It had all us Baker Babes acting as warriors. I know it's just a silly blog in the middle of the ether on the web - but geez - somebody messed with my baby! And Baker Babe was not happy about that.

If anyone has any questions about the Cookie War - please email me:
eden@newmoonkitchen.com

Cookies Under Fire!

2008-09-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

For those of you who are interested - I wanted to put up a post about some things that have been going on via the web last week.
I blogged about this a few days ago - but just incase there is anyone out there who saw the story and wants some answers - here is the story.
for those who want the history - go to:
http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/09/cookies-vanilla-vanillin-refined-sugar.php

long story short:
what came under fire about our dear little cookies was that the chocolate chips we used had refined sugar in them (and that refined sugar uses animal bone char in them) and also vanillin.
We did some research and got official statements from our supplier that there was no animal bone char in the sugar - and no petrochemical in the vanillin.

we were also accused of "hiding" the ingredients in our cookies.
This issue is more relevant, I think, than the other accusations and I feel deserves an explanation to anyone who is curious as to why the ingredients of the chips are not on the bags.
When we designed our packaging in 2004 - the labeeling laws were less stringent in Canada. Especially for companies making under $1 million in revenue annually.
Since then Canada has changed its laws - unfortunately, we still had many many thousands of bags to use up.

I do apologize if anyone feels undersold by this - the

New Moon Kitchen dreams come true

2008-09-04T23:24:00.000-04:00

I wish I had a picture to post with this... today was a day of actualization.

We had a wonderful Shiatsu therapist, Lamia Gibson, come and set up her chair at the bakery.

All of us Baker Babes took turns getting pressure-pointed. It was so nice.

Especially awesome because I realized how many times I said "one day we'll have a space where we can have shiatsu and do yoga, have a daycare for the bakers' with babies".

and ahhh - one little nugget of that dream came true today.

So thankyou Lamia - your hands are genius. All the bakers loved' it.

Now I just have to work on the Yoga, and having babies.

xo bb

You Can't Please 'Em All...

2008-08-31T22:40:00.000-04:00

So this funny thing happened today that has inspired me to do some blogging. And wow, it HAS been awhile.

One of my fabulous "baker babes" has been reading up on some blogs related to food & vegetarianism etc... She ended up sending a gift package to a Blogger out in California to pitch a company write-up.

Well, the plan kind of backfired because the Blogger decided to write some pretty slanderous things about our company! wow. got me all fired up.

This blogger is a vegan and was very upset with our choice of Chocolate Chips because they contain Refined Sugar and vanillin.

So I am reading this blog which is very "bold" (let's say) and ooooh - I am getting all fired up because well, New Moon is my baby!! and who does this person think they are and blah blah blah.

I had to take a deep breath and have a little think about how to respond. So many things flooded into my mind in response to the "chocolate chip attack".

Yes, we use a chocolate chip that contains refined sugar, but it is the best quality chip we could find that is dairy free, nut & peanut free, and Kosher Parve.

If anyone out there knows of a manufacturer that is all those things + 100% vegan - shoot me an email.

It really got me thinking about how difficult it can be to please everyone. We are in the process of creating a gluten-free cookie and man, trying to make a YUMMY gluten-free cookie without dairy, eggs or nuts is HARD. but we're getting there...

At the end of the day - we are about making a quality product. We are about creating a great company, promoting goodness, and having a blast as we climb the cookie ladder.

And yes - there will probably be many people who don't agree with some of what we do, or who don't like our cookies, or who think "baker babe approved" is a silly thing to put on a bag of cookies.

oh well. you can't please 'em all.

but at least my Nephew Elliot likes 'em (see major cuteness above).

xo bb

Planting Seeds

2008-04-30T23:23:00.000-04:00

A girl like me is always looking for inspiration. It's part of my job. I have to look forward, think ahead, dream into the future. All that good stuff.

New Moon had a stupendous weekend at the Green Living Show. We sold out of cookies and I had to drive up to the bakery and steal our back-stock just to keep the customers happy! The coolest thing (for me) was the fact that all the Mooner staff ran the booth with me. I felt so proud to have such awesome, enthusiastic people working with me and making New Moon grow.

Part of my plan for the weekend was to leave the show in the Mooners' hands on the last day and drive to Chicago with my best friend (Shoshanna - you all may remember her, she's in the New Moon archives. The co-founder!).

The pull to Chicago was for the Global Food & Style Fancy Food Show. I'd read up about the show and wanted to see it for myself.

I loaded up my little car with cookies, plenty of mix CD's and we hit the open road to Chi-Town.

The show itself is a whole other blog post in itself - but man, there were at least 1000 vendors all selling their "latest and greatest" products. Samples were flying left, right and center. There are only so many cheese sticks and chocolate covered Goji berries a girl can eat...

As I wandered the aisles of that massive show I felt so clear in my direction. It reminded me of my dream to take New Moon across the nation and into the states. Spread the love, as it were.

And it wasn't that the show was inspiring per se - in fact, there was so much crap food in there it could have been enough to scare me out of the food industry. It was the pure feeling of knowing that I can do what I dream to do, and that I have an amazing product to offer people - in good consciense!!

Highlight of the show was over-hearing a conversation that a buyer for a very big (health food!) supermarket chain was in the aisle behind me. I grabbed my wheeled-suitcase full of cookies and chased him down.

"Can I give you some cookies?" I offered, out of breath.

He accepted, checked out the package and told me which distributor to get. Then he gave me his card. I know it's a small thing - but I planted a seed. And I was just flying after that!

That's how we dream the future, right?

It's Not All About Me...

2007-11-27T08:18:00.000-05:00

Since the beginning of New Moon's time I have built up the "personability" of the business. I have made the business an extension of myself. I know all my clients personally, treat my staff like family, I put my own face on a bag of cookies. On another level, I work ridiculous hours because this business is "an extension of myself".
Lately I notice that my approach is limiting.
Here I am putting heart and soul into making this business grow, for the sheer desire of fulfilling a vision. And I'm trying to do it all myself - my marketing strategy is to "offer myself" and people will somehow know to buy New Moon cookies because I'm such a nice young lady.... ha ha.
Or - my clients will continue to purchase from New Moon because they know Eden. Or - my staff will work here forever because I'm a great boss... etc etc
So if I have to keep everyone and their mother happy all the time - how in the heck do I grow my business??
What I'm noticing is that the business itself - New Moon - is outgrowing this personality. it's much bigger than me, and furthermore it wants to do its own thing. I can only liken it to a teenager whose mother wants to go to a party with it. Not cool...

So New Moon is not me, and I am not New Moon. I'm just one element in its development.
What's the key then?? I now believe that in order to have a successful business that does not suck my life-blood from me, I must create a neutral container. Wait, it's coming.... A SYSTEM!

A system in which many can shine and excel - not just one. A system which allows New Moon to stand on its own and be marketed for its own excellence.
A system which does not rely on my round-the-clock presence for success.
Of course this is an ego battle - my ego has thrived on being so damn important in my business, it's given me self-worth.
But let's face it - it's sort of unhealthy to be co-dependent with a business...

ch-ch-ch-changes

2007-11-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I can count on, just one thing, it's that things change. Just when I'm in a cosy pocket something happens to propel me out of cosiness.
I am starting to get used to the idea that while a business offers security, it doesn't go without a price.
When New Moon was a partnership, it was more about me. A Partnership is much like "a partnership", and I would say it's similiar to having a baby; you're both responsible for it and it doesn't do much outside of what you provide for it (like, a baby can't get up and walk around and do its own laundry).
When my partner left the business I decided to incorporate. Thus birthing an "entity". It makes sense for legal and business reasons. It also gives more potential for growth.
What I have learned about owning a corporation is that it IS its own entity, it CAN walk around and do its own laundry and make friends and all that. It can also decide its own fate. I know that sounds strange but it is the truth for me.
A corporation is the ship, it's the vessel, the vehicle. And yes, I am the Captain.
Last week the boat changed its course. There were factors involved, the winds, the weather - but I would say that the Ship also had a sense about a new direction. This was unbeknownst to me, its captain. Just all of a sudden, we were moving in a new direction. My job - well, my job is to move forward, to follow my instincts, and to let my ego take a seat.

The moral of this whole story is that the only way to prepare for change is to know that it's bound to happen. Be open to it. Accept that it may not be what I "had in mind", but if a business is strong enough, has been "raised well" it will know better than you where it wants to go. The key is to be able to listen to what it wants.

Growing Up

2007-10-10T08:37:00.000-04:00

I've been reading this book off and on for about a year - it's called "The E-Myth: Why Most Small Businesses Don't Work and What to Do About It". Intriguing, huh...
I got through the first chapter and felt "full". One of the first things he writes about is that a technician and an entrepreneur are two very different things. In order for a business to move from small, to medium, to big - the owner has to be the entrepreneur.

I think it's a conflict for most business owners - I see it all the time. The business owner mopping the floor at night - because nobody does it as well as they do (in their mind), the business owner doing all the bookkeeping, all the work, serving customers - because nobody cares as much as them.

I don't think it has anything to do with that! Obviously, no one will ever care as much as the owner. It's a different relationship. But I think the real reason why owners insist on STAYING technicians is fear; fear of taking things to the next level, fear of having that little business seedling go into full bloom. It's a huge responsibility - no question. And maybe it's not every business owner's dream to have a big company.
I can only speak for myself: I want that big dream. I've always seen it. New Moon wants to grow. and I want to be the one to take it there.

But here I am, stuck in a cycle of switching from Entrepreneur to technician - back and forth, back and forth. Right now we are down two bakers - and it's me and the manager pushing dough all week - on top of all the other myriad tasks.
When I am called into bake I feel confident, I know how to bake, I can do it with my eyes closed at this point. it's a safe zone for me. But I also feel stressed - if I'm baking it means I can't grow the business, it means that some things are on hold.
When there is no need for me to be in production, I sit at my desk with my head in my hands, wondering where to go from here... I am in the unknown. How DO I take my business to the next level? How DO I hand in my apron?
There's really only one way to deal with the unknown:
LEAP! eyes closed, whatever it takes - just move forward. I may fall miserably, I may stumble, or I may succeed. The knowledge I need is waiting somewhere.

First step: I have to make a clear decision - I have to draw a line in the sand. Take off the apron, make sure I have a solid foundation. and go for it.

Second Step: Hire people who will be part of the movement forward.

Third Step: I have no idea. I'll keep you posted.

Hello My Name is Eden and I'm a Businesswoman

2007-09-19T09:59:00.001-04:00

IMG_2744
Originally uploaded by edenarabella

The other day someone introduced me as "a baker", i quickly corrected them with: "businesswoman".
It struck me afterwards - this moment of dichotomy in my little life. Obviously, I love baking - but I'm not a baker anymore. Baking got me where I am today - in this new and deserved seat of Entrepreneur.
It has taken me a long time to equate myself with business. Business has such stigma attached to it; dark suits, crisp ties, wheelings and dealings, clammy handshakes. And I just never wanted to be that! But I admit it - I love Business. I love the maneuvering, the problem solving, the multi-tasking, and the inevitable win of bringing a company to its next level.
People often ask the question, 'what gets you up in the morning?' and for me it's the prospect that every day is a day to make my business grow, to nurture it, discover it, navigate it. It's always exciting.

This is the nerdiness of the entrepreneur! I am letting you all in on my secret here. I'm a business nerd - but I don't wear a dark suit or crisp tie and I sure as hell hope my handshake isn't clammy.
We're all in business in some way or another; whether working for one or owning one. I think people get locked into believing that business is solely about the pursuit of money (which it may be for some). There's another side though - the awesomeness of being able to create something and watch it grow. This is a win far greater than anything else. True success comes from how you achieve something, not what you achieve.

Those are my deep thoughts for today.

What Makes It All Worthwhile

2007-08-26T20:11:00.000-04:00

Most of the time I am on the inside of my business; staring at a computer, looking at cookies, working with staff, answering the phone, running up and down stairs - But on the rare occasion I get to see what actually happens when the cookies make impact.
Last week my driver went on Holiday in the Dominican Republic - so I became Delivery Girl for 10 days. I had a blast; driving around the city in Sadie (New Moon's big blue delivery truck), singing to the radio, and taking cookies to the masses. I got to talk to my clients, take a look at the displays, shake a lot of hands, and have a generally good time driving around. It was a break somehow, I was in the cookie delivery bubble where I didn't have to answer a phone or check email or do anything but get cookies from Point A to B.

Last Wednesday, I left Hamilton and headed for St. Catherines. It's a long stretch - 45 minutes on the QEW. I was tired, the day was getting on, and traffic is always a bummer.
So there I am zooming along with the radio on, and a car comes up in front of me. The passenger window rolls down and a guy starts waving to me. I wave back. And then he pulls two bags of New Moon cookies from the car and starts waving them out the window, then he gives me an exuberant thumbs up and we honk back and forth.
I'm quite sure I was grinning for three hours. Because really, at the end of the day, this is what it's all about. And there's nothing like a magic moment...

So whoever that was in that car with those cookies - thankyou! You made my day. I hope the cookies made yours.

xo Baker Babe

Nice lil' article...

2007-07-09T23:15:00.000-04:00

http://www.tasteto.com/2007/06/17/what-do-you-want-a-cookie/

Welcome to my Blog!

2007-07-08T22:57:00.001-04:00

ciao cookies
Originally uploaded by edenarabella

After a few months of procrastination, some cross-identity confusion, and a couple of vacations under my apron, I am finally blogging.
Believe it or not, this is exciting. In fact, it's monumental. I think there is a day that comes (hopefully) for an entrepreneur when they are no longer swamped, exhausted, and completely overworked. It's bold to say - but I think my time has come.
As you may or may not know, I started up New Moon when I was 19 years old. It was completely unofficial (and was called "eden's edibles" yikes!) but something was starting... Since then it has been full-force for ten years; work like you can't imagine, every aspect of myself completely engaged in birthing the New Moon baby.
And here it is - New Moon is almost a teenager. The reward of my investment became very clear this year when I was able to actualize a lifelong dream of going to Italy. Over the years I have been fortunate to take vacations here and there - but my Italy trip was three weeks!! The longest I'd been away since I was 18.
Needless to say, it was not just an exquisite adventure, it was a triumphant victory as well. I flew home the day before my 3oth birthday.
Those of you who are entrepreneurs will understand the meaning of that! And hopefully, those of you entrepreneurs who think it's impossible to get away from your business will delight in the fact that it's not.

So what am I saying here? What is this first message I am sending out?
My dream (and goal) with New Moon was to create a vehicle for myself. Other than having a knack for baking and a love of business - I am also a writer, a singer, an apprentice, and a traveler. I want to express all these parts of myself - and New Moon is definitely the vehicle which allows me to do that.
So now you know why the Blogging is exciting! Because I now have the time and energy to do it.
How I got here is a whole other story... stay tuned.
xo baker babe